so warning 2, this gets perstonal. i mean, its a jump into the sea of clouds known as my thoughs. clouds hat can get VERY VERY dark and thunderous, quickly raining out of my eyes. but sometimes theres a peak of sun through the clouds that feels like heaven. theres a reason the japaense like it
this is a view of what anti trans legislature does to the minds of trans kids (as well as a place to put my emotions). i swear 90% of these issues could be fixed if i could be on ONE FUCKING OUNCE of e.deleted because it got too personal
im working things out. life has been good. i have plans to tell amelia about this with her ex there for moral support (her ex knows her the best out of anyone). all on monday. ill be fine, i can feel my own heart blocking my breath right now. but I'm playing it up in my head..
well good night internet.
poetry time! you dont sleep but i do. someone else is on you, making their morning brew. as time passes, shifts, someone will be on you, and taking a shit. its sad to see how hate can spread, but what a marvel i can see it, all on my bed
im still in school, photography club.
everything feels off, maybe its my sleep, maybe its the dread i feel as a few people i know can finally get hrt while im stuck in a trap for 5 more years.-unfinished. my mental state is never constant so sometimes i cant write out thoughts in time
another day another bout of soul crushing dysphoria that crushes by chest, snapping each rib untill one puntures my lungs and finally ends it; sadly that is only figuative, but i digress(still the same topic, its just the word that felt right). i hate every bit of this godforsaken building. it traps my thoughts in, and locks me in with them. its horrible, i dont know why i have to be in a place i HAVE EVEDANCE, is degrading my mental state. yet im still stuck here, legally, till im 16. i cant drop out of middle school; another tourture i have to endure bechuse of the fucking US govornment. being a trans person really turns you into an this'll be breif. but in short. more dysphoria, WAY MORE. im trapped with a facsimily of what ill be, and its tearing me to shreds. i cant move cause my friends keep me together, i can move because we dont have the funds, i cant move because i dont matter enough to divert the enitre couse of my families life just for some "mental health". anyways, i gotta make sure i dont bomb 4th quarter. bye. i dont think i have many real firedns, like we laugh and shit but thats all. its just facades that we all put up, all of us. me the most cuz im pretending to be cis-het (which im NOT)- [i have to pack up and go to class] hey all, been a minute for the few that ever read this. so on this episode of society sucks, i am on the verge of a mental breakdown because i cant do shit to help myself. sure i could grow my hair out, i could paint my nails. i could move (to get hrt), i could do that. but i wont. because of so many things (pause till 12:41, feeling better so the thread may be lost),i cant grow out my hair cuz ill get called tomato head even more than i am, i cant paint my nails because the second i do anything slightly efffininate im "gay" and a "tranny", and maybe i am, but it still hurts. i cant move because my family cant give up every luxury we are afforded where we are just so i cant be "okay", i still wont be,i cant leave this behind, this isnt something you look past. this is shit that scars you. JESUS, she is RIGht fucking here, IN ARMS REACH! and i cant say shit, i cnat say anything. im frozen in place, my neck slowly turning into concrete as to keep myself from staring. calling my life a "my perfectly formulated hell" is getting freakishly accurate. kill me, please. let something kill me, at least put me in a coma, let me live out my own life in my head, a life where im me, im in my body, by yall. ill go back to holdling back tears JESUSJESUSJESUSJESUSJESUSJESUSJESUSJESUSJESUS. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. im trying so viscerally to not break down crying in front of a bunch of 6th and seventh graders. im shaking. so much shaking, KILL ME PLEASE. bye intermet. if your readding this speed up your reading as it goes on because im panicing so much. kill me kill me KILL ME. i schools need rooms to cry in update. im outside, im alive. im close to being able to screm my thoughts into a pillow. time, 3:06 IM TUMBLING, im tubling down the mountin ive climbed for the last 5 years to be as stable as i am, i cant fucking type, im shaking like parkinsins. why, why this life like this. i cant remove the image of me sticking a exacto (which i have on my table) through my wrist and drinking the blood, from my head. im going through every stage i had to tread through the last couple years in reverse, im TUBLING. KILLL MEMEMMEMMEMMEMEM#EMEMEMMEMMEMEMMEMMEMMEMEMMEMMMMEMERMEMMEMM. i feel like im dying. i dont know what i am, i dont know who i am, who liam is, what cynthia is. kill me realization hits, i just realized that the thing i hate most, school, is so close to done, yet im almost at the brink of tears at that, i just want people to talk to. why am i like this what the fuck is with state tests, im done, like.... ok, for starters, schools should at least give you something for being there, sure, knowlage, smarts, advice. bla bla bla i get that. sidenote, my mom is an accountant for the owner of a fukcing forge buisness can get PAID to LEARN, she gets a learning package that she can do, if she does x hours by the end of the year she keeps that package for the next year, so she could (theoretically) do nothing but learn the whole year and get PAID TO DO THAT! but i have to LEGALLY be here and i have to learn for LONGER each day then she is required to be in office, AND I DONT GET FUCKING PAID. so why do i have to be locked in a room and click on a white screen 8 times a year just to test me, and even then, its not even for me. ive heard from the teachers that its mostly to test their ability to convey topics and make them stick. its main advertized purpose of grade placement itsnt even used because we have the MAP test, which as you could guess, is to "map" us im done with the yearly hell that are state tests, and i have many problems with them, but ive found a new one; our laptops have to be signed out to acsess the test browser, so i cant acsess google keep, this website, literally anything that i can put my thoughts on besides a peice of paper. and even then, THEY CHECK THOSE FOR NOTES so they make sure you didnt write something on it before it started; and i aint giving them my unrestriced dysphoric thoughts, thats only for you strangers i just finished a "whose the better scientist" debate and my team got 2nd place. im dysphoric as hell but OHH BY GOD IM ON ON TOP i know this is the bad stuff one, but im feeling good! this is the most up ive been on a monday ever, im usually shitty on these days, but i feel alive, not self concious, and best of all, i finally feel in tune with the little goblin in my brain that years for the most effinminte life ever, god this is what i wish every day was like; but there is an inevidible soul crush that i never get that life whatsoever. but who gives a shit today, im cynthia and im PROUD! (bitch) we are so down and dysphoric it is comical, update 2:59. WE ARE SO FUCKING UP. FUCK DYSPHORIA we were never up bro. i argued with my dad a bit after i got home and afterwards i just fucking cratered, the entire time i had the imagery of a paring knife going through my wrist burned in my eye, like my mind teaching me what to do. im gonna fucking kms bro, why is life like this. tldr for the next bit dysphoria so im not sure where to put this so imma put it here and in the good ones thing. so i hold music very dear to my heart, many albums like glass beachs works, dark side of the moon, french exit, but very importantly roars,"im not here to make friends". somehting about it hits so close to home for me, i mean first, it was my obsession during one of the worst parts of my life, i was barly scraping by as dysphoria was knocking on my door with a door ram and i didnt know what "dysphoria"g was... so i took it as "oh, i wanna be something im not, i wanna be a vampire!" and railroaded my life into hell and a half. and second, its just so so melancholic (like i am), the lyrics the chords, omg the chords i need to rant, HOW DOES SOME RANDOM DUDE MAKE ME GET TO THE VERGE OF TEARS WITH NOTES?!. but i digress; i just feel that it hits every string (on his guitar and my heart) with effortless beauty that puts me in a better time, i know i said it was bad back then but i loved every second of imagining me, the real me, no restrictions weather they be socialtal or the actual fabric of our reality. anyways, i have to science now i can feel the dysphoria creeping in, i just feel tired and sad and mildly melancholic. ya know when your sick and you think "man i always take being in good health for granted", i feel that same kinda shit, i always takethe concept of "(temporaroly) dysphoria free living" for granted, yet i forget what the heart tug that is dysphoria really feels like on those "good days". this is way later, like 2:40. im back, im okay, i talked to my bf, i just needed someone. if youve got a friend going through something, talk to them please. not everyone has the courage to reach out hey, so im in ny rn. im on a niagra school trip and dysphoric as hell. i hate it, but its olddly comforting that i can be this close to home and be able to transition. well, imma be at the falls folks, see ya so im at my highschool having "fun". everyone else is but i have to deal with my "friends" while they barrate me with fat jokes and be a general dumbass, dickhead, faliures of people. im going to fucking kill myself its almost over, 35 minutes untill im done with this hellhole. later update (like 3 minutes later), im depressed; but like a wierd kind of organized depressive wave, usually im very very unkempt and messy when im in a state like this but currectly i feel.... just together while breaking at the seems if you will. im out of town with my cousin. i rarely see him so its a nice mood bost, even if this is the least fem ive felt in YEARS. hey internet, michael here, did you know i dont make that many random internet refrences, or do i?! *cue moon men*. sup folks, its august 4 8:45.
ah yes, the yearly tradition of dreading the end of your free life (for the next couple months) and getting to learn!... weather you want to or not! and for me on this humid and stuffy night, that means questioning life; i didnt think i would be back here, in my little pit of sorrow, i thought everything would turn itself around. "i mean it did all summer" my dumb ass thought, but like clockwork, a week before shcool the dysphoria returns. but with a fun twist this time, its themed! to what you may ask? confusion! and confusion about what you may ask? IF IM TRANS AT ALL!!!!!!! YAY! not only do i get to deal with the embodyment of a me i will NEVER ACHIVE!(i know ive whined about that a lot, just let me have it), i also get to question whats me wanting to be a girl, and whats me just idealizing love, and freedom, and getting to have tits(on second thought, im getting tits either way).
hell again! woo hoooooooooooooooooooo! i want to die! and the returning star of my nightmares, *drumroll starts* AMELIA D! more dysphoria, although, its fueling this art (check the last addition), so ill take it, maybe try and talk to the girl for once.. but this years looking up, everyone that sucked ass last year has seemd to mello out, although thats hard to say considering its only 2 days in, but im rolling along
so, dyshporia blog returns. so guess what those (instert bad words here) admins did this time! IM BACK WITH EVERY CLASS IN DYSPHORIA HELL NAMED, WHY THE HELL DO THEY KEEP PUTTING ME WITH HER IN EVERY CLASS!. like, one of my classes is 13 people... AND SHES STILL IN IT. why....
my life is some sort of cruel angels thesis... i swear something is pairing me and amelia constantly, Homeroom, every class, and even the stack of books that has our names on them, our names our SIDE BY FUCKING SIDE
what a day, huh? cant say i know its true importance, i cant claim to have seen any of it exept for whatever someones archived of it on youtube. its weird having this whole nation wide day of mourning if you will, that i have almost no idea about. like, i cant say "oh, this and this political thing happened and its all important to this" and not sound like a parrot. anyways, happy 911 everyone
god damn it, god fucking damn it; i swear its cruel fate, this day just wont pull punches, every class, as apposed to two a day, kicking off the day with 9/11 stuff in social studies, then roar plaing song after song ON SHUFFLE (theres like 40 roar songs in my playlist out of 500 something), and i have a math test later, not to mention, MORE DYSPHORIA! i wouldennt be surprised if you could have read over this with AI and convincingly write more of these; cuz im starting to see a theme.
afternoon of april 22, 2:30, in social studies.
update, 2:55, schools so close to out. i know they joke about not showing teen boys girls shoulders cuz thell.... spill the milk. but that couldent be farther from the truth. although as a transfem its hurts to be in a world where clothes are more and more revealing(or at least that kinda style is getting more pupular with my grade) because i cant go anywhere without feeling intense dead that i will never get that. kill me afternoon of april 24, 1:01. flex
advisory 11:59.
the next bit:so according to everyone ive told about how badly i wish i could be a teen girl, im mislead. ive known about preiod cramps. but earlier this week i was calling with a friend of mine, were both equally depressed. we were trading shitty thoughts, and i was talking about how i wanted to be a girl, a cis one. i mean, im in my formative years, and i have to form in the wrong shape, anyways. and she asked why, i explained, then i asked why she was confused. in return i got a excrusiatingly detailed explination of how genetically and socially screwed teen girls- fuck, just girls in general are. yet the enitre time my mind raced with why couldent this be me, why couldent i just be a girl. and they still race. well bye2:15, hell and a half (math)
2:56, im so close to a safe place to cry
HOME WAS NOT SAFE (3:34)
10:50, may fri, may 3
8:06, homeroom (but not really)
11:19, i just got done with state testin
2:52, ss, just debated my ass off
1:11. IM SO UP! (flex)
2:04, math
11:26, may 14, science
10:29, science
2:22, math
10:41, ela, im gonna kill myself
june 6th. 1:26, i fucking hate everyone and thing
june 6th, 2:24
so im with my cousin!, june 6th, 7:40
hey nerds, she's back, july 6th, 11:06 pm
anyways, heyall, its cynthia, back and more oddly country sounding than ever. i was reading some of my old notes that used to go on google keep because i stated listening to more roar, and for some reason that album has ingraned itself in my brain, forcing memories to the suface when its played, anyways i was reading through them and i literally just lost the poetic thought of "man, im really like, introspecive when im depressed". fuck me and my irratic brain. im gonna be mad at me and rant about topics that are also in other keep notes.
i havent had a dysphoric thought in a while.... you know how when something bad happens something good, must come? that works in reverse, so i am VERY fucked. its like a checkovs gun shooting a hole in me
forgive the crap grammar or formatting, im on mobile, and mid lotr 3 orchestra performance. its just really good i just dont have the energy to make another split post. so we gonna go from good to the return of dysphoria(trademarked). so, holy crap lord of the rings is good, i haven't even seen the first 2, and its still understandale. (the intermission just ended, ill finish later ) (i didnt finish later) hi didley ho neighbor its the 17th of august, 12:26 am, 6 days till im shipped back to hell
um, im gonna stray from that a bit, im just gonna discuss life i guess. its too late to make a seperate post and adjust the time and everything. so i finally got my shedual for this year, ive got band with my buddies, and news writing with a good friend. i pretty much got every class i wanted, psycology, horticulture, automation and robotics, film and video production, and best of all health and wellness, or better known as, THE COOKING CLASS WITH THE MAN, THE MYTH,THE LEGEND, MR.RILEY!!!!
now not to distract from that high; lets circle back, to all you OGs, or those who just read all this page at once (my condolences to your brains seritonin recivers for being starved over the last few minutes), you may remember a "amelia" popping up, if im gonna be honest i made this entire website because of her, not for good nor bad; well not by her doing at least. it was because, as afforentioned, i saw me in her, and couldent not just stare, i mean, what would you do if you saw a you walking around, differnt but the same, anyways; i dreaded classes with her, dont get me wrong, shes amazing, kind, goofy, ill admit my type but i have someone already, but still the catalyst for so much pain. the thing is i think ive realized that, holy shit i did this because of her, i started an entire hobby because of the dysphoira, i did all this and another on becuase of one fucking girl and my dysphoric mind. this never would have happend without her in all of my classes. so i sincerely hope shes on my team. i find something nievely poetic about taking the pain for the ability to create a website. my song just said "i wish i could live without you but you're a part of me", and it was off the daylist "overthinking downtown vibes night", i dont remeber clicking "i agree to let spotify read my brainwaves and summerize them in 4 words" when i made my account.
well goodnight everyone, someone out there loves you.
august 26, 12:05, math...
kill me, kill me with your eyes closed! oh wait... wrong lyric. anyways, hey internet, its august 28 at 10:23.
[abrupt topic change]
BUT I STILL HAVE FUNNY TRANS GIRL MUSIC! "yea im the trans joker, i killed my testosterone", im just wrapping up before lunch really. but god i hate and love this, i might paint my nails, they grew out enough now.
10:28, september 4.
10:01, september 11
september 12th, 10:20, almost lunch